How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
