I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
