theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize