He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Is it because I queefed?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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