yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
