She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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