A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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