I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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