so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Randomize
