You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
