We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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