my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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