turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
