Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
