haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
