He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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