i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
