like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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