I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
