OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
