take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
