so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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