it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
