Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
