A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
