You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
