the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
