ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
