All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
