If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
