Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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