i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
