I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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