somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Is Oprah even human
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
