you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
he thought i was a dude.
you would pick up someone in the library
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Randomize
