Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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