Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
