she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
