Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
