glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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