the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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