I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Did you just see the Batmobile???
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
