Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
