Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
