I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
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