Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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