Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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