Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
