I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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