Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
