Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
