Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
