Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
