I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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