Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
