I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
