He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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