I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
