That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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